Nightmare Ninja

Many of the children I work with struggle with nightmares.  I’ve had great success in using Cognitive Behavioral Counseling in treatment.  To accomplish this, I help the child articulate their nightmare and then rescript it with a hero who can come in and defeat the bad guy in the dream. I usually will have the child draw a picture of the nightmare while they tell the details that they remember.  Many of my clients do fine.  I also have many who will change the subject, draw a random picture not related to the nightmare, or will simply state that they do not want to.

My greatest challenge has been resistance.  I find that many children with a history of trauma are reluctant to talk about it.  It is scary for them.  They don’t enjoy feeling the deep emotion related to their trauma and are fearful of verbalizing their experience. Games help to reduce the anxiety related to talking about the issue at hand.  If I ask the question directly, they tend to clam up.  However, if the same question is on a game card, it does not seem as threatening.  I will occasionally have a client who will not answer a game card, which is fine.  However, most of the time they are happy to give answers.  I think it is also helpful that the game breaks up the discussing into easy, small answers rather than having to tackle the whole thing at once.  For instance, they may answer one question about the bad guy in the dream and then they get a break while I take a turn.  The child’s next question may be a coping skill.  It allows them time to regroup between each question.

When I play games with a client, I try to pay attention to their behavior and expressions to see if they want to engage in a discussion about the issue or if they are in a hurry to move past a question that was anxiety provoking.  If they want to talk at length, we put the game on hold and let them process it.  If they give a short answer and appear uncomfortable, I move on quickly.  My goal is to allow them a chance to process their nightmare in the least threatening way possible. The first time we discuss it I may get very short answers, but they will usually feel more comfortable and at ease the next time.

This game has four sets of cards: Antagonist cards, Protagonist cards, Defeating the Monster, and Coping Skills.  The Antagonist cards focus on describing details of the bad guy in the dream.  This includes motivation for the harm, physical details, strengths, and weaknesses.  The Protagonist cards focus on the child’s experience in the dream.  It is to help them articulate the details of what happened to them, what they were thinking and feeling, and what they were doing in the dream.  The Defeating the Monster cards are designed to rescript the dream.  This is where they create a superhero who will rescue them from the bad guy.  Finally, the coping skill cards are there to help the children identify how to avoid triggers that can lead to nightmares, thought stopping and replacement techniques, and healthy bedtime habits.

My incredibly talented daughter illustrated the ninja used in the game.  Way to go Jaden!

To download the game, visit my website at www.pathwaystopeacecounseling.com
Or visit my Teachers Pay Teachers store: https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Nightmare-Ninja-Board-Game-3722560
You can also find our games on Amazon, Ebay, and Teachers Pay Teachers

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

I am excited to introduce a new game designed to help children who tell lies.  Over the years I have worked with many children who have been in trouble for telling lies, but there are many different motivating factors for their behavior.  I have found that talking about it directly often leads to more lies, as they are either ashamed to talk about it or they fear being in trouble.  Naturally, the children who are in the habit of lying tend to lie about their lying habit. 

I scoured the internet looking for resources but didn’t find much related to lying.  I figured it was a good time to make a new game.  This game plays like Old Maid.  There are 10 different characters in addition to the Liar, Liar Pants on Fire card.  You pass out all of the cards to the players.  It’s likely that one person will receive more cards than the others due to the odd number of cards.  Each player will hold up their cards and one player will select a card from another players hand. If they get a match, they will lay it down on the table.  This will continue with players taking turns until the Liar, Liar Pants on Fire card is the only one that remains.  The player left with this card loses.

Each character has a different motivation for lying.  The game comes with a description for each character and questions that can be used to generate discussion about motivation for behavior as well as encouraging the child to think of possible consequences for the behavior. The goal is to open discussion, normalize feelings, and to help identify the client’s motivation for lying.  The therapist can segue in to talking about alternative behaviors that would work better than telling lies.

One reason that I am so excited about this game is because my daughter illustrated the game.  All characters are original pieces of art.  I may be biased, but not to shabby for a 12-year-old!  I’m extremely proud of her hard work. Once I figure out the logistics, I plan to open a Teachers Pay Teachers account for her to sell her artwork. 

This game is now available on my website, www.pathwaystopeacecounseling.com.

It is also on my Teachers Pay Teachers store at https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Liar-Liar-Pants-on-Fire-3716967.
You can also find our games on Amazon, Ebay, and Teachers Pay Teachers
Stay tuned!  I have a couple more games that I am working on.  I'm hoping to have them available soon.

Using Feelings Candy Land

 I created this video to show how I use Feelings Candy Land in sessions. I view games in counseling as simple tools to help children open up about their feelings. Many times they do not know what they are feeling or how to communicate the feelings they have. The game helps this process along by having them identify times they felt the various feelings. Sometimes it may take a while for them to think of a time that they experienced that feeling. It normalizes verbalizing their feelings and helps them to be familiar with using I Statements to discuss their feelings.

I find that children are generally comfortable talking when in a play format, but will clam up if it is eye to eye conversation. Keeping the focus on the game allows them to explore their feelings without feeling put on the spot. I encourage children to continue using I statements when discussing feelings with others. And the more we play Feelings Candy Land the more they do use I statements!

When playing this game, I generally go with the flow of the child. If they are guarded, I give guarded response. If they are more open, I give open responses. I want them to feel comfortable with the game, not pressured to say anything in particular. If I have a child who continues to be guarded over time, I will give responses related to what I feel they need to talk about. Such as “I felt sad when my grandma died.” The key is to not be obvious and throw those responses out sparingly.

I also try to read body language to tell if a child is ready to open up and talk or if they are uncomfortable and want to continue in the game. Waiting a few seconds before taking your turn can give them an opportunity to elaborate. If they don’t, it’s good to continue on. I try to make a mental note of important things said during the game so that we can revisit them later. I also keep them in mind for choosing the game for the next session. It is not uncommon for a child to complain of being picked on. I will usually choose a game related to bullying for the next session.

Some of the older kids then I see love Feelings Candy Land, but most of them prefer UNO. I use the same concept with UNO, but just use the colors represented in UNO, red, yellow, blue, and green. I think it works just as well. I hope you enjoy the video!

To view my original post about Feelings Candy Land, click here: http://pathwaystopeacecounseling.blogspot.com/2014/10/feelings-candy-land.html

To download my Feelings Candy Land cheat sheet for free, please visit my website at https://www.pathwaystopeacecounseling.com/product-page/feelings-candy-land-game-instructions
Type "CANDY" in the discount code box to get it for free.

Cognitive Behavioral Interventions for Nightmares

Doesn’t it just break your heart when you hear a child tell about not being able to sleep due to nightmares? Due to working with elementary aged children most of the time this is a common occurrence for me.  Sometimes the nightmares are related to watching scary movies, related to general anxiety, or are associated with trauma. While this is not an area of expertise for me, I have had some great success in helping children overcome nightmares.

When a child reports they have had a nightmare, I encourage them to draw a picture of it. As they are drawing or towards the end of their drawing I have them tell me what happened in the nightmare.  They are to describe in as much detail as possible.  I also ask questions about their senses in the dream to see if they could recall sights, smells, sounds, tastes, or things they could feel. Next, we discuss the villain or the theme causing the fear from the nightmare.  If it is a monster or a bad guy, we discuss his powers that make him scary.   Next, we discuss a superhero who could beat the bad guy.  They will then talk about what kind of superhero it would have to be.  They call tell the story of how the superhero beats the villain from their nightmare. In the end, I have the draw a picture of the superhero overcoming the villain. 

I have had clients as young as 3 years old put this into practice and overcome nightmares.  It can sometimes be a repetitive process of rescripting the nightmares, especially for a child who has experienced more extensive trauma.  However, my experience has been that they make great progress.  I also explain the process to parents so they can work with their children at home.  Having them talk about the nightmare and draw a picture soon after it occurs can help then process it before they start to forget the details.

Update: I recently created a therapy game for nightmares.  It is called Nightmare Ninja.  You can read about it here: http://pathwaystopeacecounseling.blogspot.com/2018/03/nightmare-ninja.html

Credits: I learned about rescripting nightmares in a CEU class by Lisa Demarni Cromer, PhD from Tulsa University.  Her experience and research far exceeds the information I gleaned form the class.

photo credit: donnierayjones Rise 'N Shine via photopin (license)

Transitions - Unpacking Emotional Burdens

Life is full of transitions and changes.  Some are good and inviting and others are full of pain and grief.  These transitions could be due to failure on our part, such as loss of relationships, loss of jobs, or alienation.  Transitions can also be a positive thing, such as graduations, new relationships, promotions, or moving to a new home or community.  Even if we stay in the same situation for most of our lives there are still natural transitions that happen like growing older, our children moving from babies to preschoolers, on and on until we become empty nesters.

With each life transition you arrive at your destination with a piece of emotional baggage.  Imagine that for each life transition you had one emotional suitcase stored away in your emotional storage center.  This suitcase if full of memories – good and bad.  It is full of identities, emotional ties to others, beliefs about yourself and others.  It has contributed to your sense of self.  Let’s consider an example:

Sally and George are high school sweethearts.  They were both involved in sports in high school, came from the same small town, and grew up together.  They were both considered in the “in” crowd at school and felt they were good for each other socially.  Sally had a troubled home life and George made her feel safe and secure.  George on the other hand came from a stable and supportive home.  He enjoyed feeling needed by Sally but sometimes felt overwhelmed by her emotional needs.   After high school George left home to go to college in another state while Sally stayed behind.  Their breakup was difficult for both, but George had a good support system and dreams that propelled him forward.   

George later graduates with a business degree and finds himself struggling to get his foot in the door in his field.  Although he was the big man on campus in high school, he now feels like a fish out of water.  He always felt needed and in control back home but now he is in a field flooded with college graduates and feels he must prove himself.  If he hasn’t unpacked the suitcases of transition, he may feel that he doesn’t fit in, that he isn’t needed, and that he doesn’t belong.  His prior identity was being good at sports, being under the loving care of his parents, and being vitally needed by Sally. 

How would George go about unpacking the suitcases?  Basically, he needs to “try on” the ideas, identities from the past, and the memories to see if they still fit.  For example, if his identity was being the best kicker for the football team and he no longer plays football, the identity is not a misfit.  He must find his identity in something new.  If his emotional well-being came from being needed by Sally, having Sally now absent from his life would cause an emotional vacuum.  How would George know what needs to be unpacked?  When emotional pain comes, or when questions of identity rise to the surface, he has the opportunity to push away the thoughts (as they are uncomfortable) or he can push through them and sort out how he now feels about his life. 

What is the danger of not unpacking these suitcases?  They lead to confusion, false identities, and emotional attachments that are no longer productive in his life.  For example, he may come to the realization that his relationship with Sally was not healthy, but rather than evaluate the co-dependent nature of the relationship he shrugs it off and moves on.  He later falls in love with a new woman who is quite independent.  Since George was raised in a healthy home environment he is not intimidated by Sue’s confidence, but is attracted to it.  George and Sue fall in love and later get married.  George recognizes that Sue and Sally are very different in their emotional needs, desires from the relationship, and the way they make him feel about himself.  If he has unpacked the emotional suitcase from his relationship with Sally, George is able to go into the relationship with Sue with a clear head.  Otherwise, he will find himself comparing Sue to Sally. Sally had a way of making George feel important, needed, and powerful.  If George is having a relationship problem with Sue and he remembers how he felt needed by Sally, it could cause a stir in him.  If George suddenly gets a friend request from Sally on Facebook, his relationship with Sue could be compromised.  However, if he had unpacked the suitcase of his relationship with Sally he would recognize that the co-dependent nature of their relationship was shallow, unhealthy, and not the kind of relationship he wanted long term.  This thought process allows himself to sever the emotional ties that bound him to Sally.  If he were to go back home to visit the family and ran into Sally, he will not be faced with an emotional barrage, but will be able to keep a healthy distance.

In the cognitive behavior psychology world we talk a lot about how thoughts impact emotions and behaviors.  Behind every emotion and behavior there is a belief or a thought driving them.  Many people move from transition to transition without ever unpacking the suitcases from the past.  They are left with identity confusion, emotional ties to people they no longer are in relationship with, and often have difficulty functioning in new relationships. This “maladaptive” thinking causes all sorts of problems.  They may feel that they can never measure up in life due to their identity being wrapped up in the past.  They may experience long term grief over the loss of relationships or life phases.  For example, a mother could have a very difficult time adapting to being an empty nester if her identity was centered on being mom.  Or a middle aged man may continue to function according to the unrealistic expectations set by a critical mother when he was a child.

From a biblical perspective, this is considered renewing your mind.  Believers must sort through our thoughts regularly to make sure they are in line with the Word of God.  When a person receives Christ they are automatically a new creation in the spirit realm.  However, all their thoughts and emotions remain the same until they evaluate their thoughts and “try on” their beliefs, values, and memories to see if they still fit.  If a belief doesn’t fit anymore, it doesn’t mean that it is erased from your memory, but it no longer has a pull on you. 

The process sounds simple but it can be hard to navigate and implement regularly. When confusion or emotional pain from the past comes, take the time to think it through.  Ask yourself these questions:

                “When did I first start to feel this way?”

                “Is this thought true?  Is it helpful? Does it still apply today?”

                “Do I have an unhealthy emotional attachment to this person/situation/place?”

                “If I could go back and talk to myself back then, I would say….”

Freeing yourself from emotional burdens of the past can be a hard and emotional process, but the freedom that comes makes it worth it.

Photo Credit: Photo by Mantas Hesthaven from Pexels https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-pulling-luggage-walking-near-gray-concrete-road-during-sunset-171053/

Journey to My New Family

After searching the internet to find resources to use with children with abandonment issues, I finally decided to make a game to use with children who have been adopted or are in foster care.  This game focuses on attachment problems, feelings of abandonment, and helps them process feelings related to changes at home.  Children are able to identify feelings related to their role in the family and trust issues. 

There are two sets of cards to address family issues and feelings.  The questions are designed to provoke introspection and to process how changes continue to impact the child's feelings.  It is important to read through the cards before playing with clients, as some may be inappropriate for the child or situation. I would also encourage therapist who use this game to print a blank set of cards to write in questions that my be specific to the situation of the child you are working with. 

To purchase, visit our website: www.pathwaystopeacecounseling.com
You can also find our games on Amazon, Ebay, and Teachers Pay Teachers

Thought Crashers

I created this game about a year and a half ago and have been playing it with kids since then.  I have been pleasantly surprised at how much they enjoy it!  The first counseling game I designed was Cognitive Distortions.  It works well with older elementary kids and middle school kids, but younger kids really didn't get it.  I created this game to appeal to younger kids.  (However, my middle school clients like it as well!)

I try in every way that I can to use CBT techniques with my clients, as I believe they are effective to lasting change and good outcomes.  Teaching kids to understand CBT principles can be very challenging!  This game was designed to help children identify self-talk, irrational thought patterns, and to help kids learn how to modify their thoughts. 

This game puts Cognitive Behavioral Therapy skills in a play format.  Let's face it.  Children really do not typically sit still to talk about self talk and thought patterns! But they are willing to learn when it is presented through play.  

Check out the game on my website: www.pathwaystopeacecounseling.com.
It is also available for sale at my Teachers Pay Teachers Store: https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Thought-Crashers-1745244

You can also find our games on Amazon and Ebay.

How to Build Trust in Your Marriage

Trust is the cornerstone upon which stable, lasting relationships are built.  Trust is a vital ingredient that allows vulnerability to arise.  When a person is vulnerable, they are able to expose obstacles to intimacy.  They are in a position to reveal insecurities, work through faulty thinking, and to resolve painful issues from the past.  The deeper the trust in a relationship, the more vulnerable the couple is able to be with one another. 

When conflict comes in a relationship, people are generally comfortable stating “I like this,” or “I don’t like that.”  However, it takes true vulnerability to state why the preferences are there.  Perhaps it is fear of rejection or abandonment. It could be triggers from past relationships gone wrong.  It could be attitudes learned from growing up in a dysfunctional home.  Exposing the hidden issues in the heart is a dangerous position to be in.  If trust has not been established, the pain could run deep if the spouse does not receive the information lovingly or even worse, if they use it as a weapon against their spouse.

If you recognize the intimacy in your relationship is lacking, it might be time to build the trust and become more vulnerable.  To build trust, you must be willing to take a risk.  Here are some tips to building intimacy in your relationship:

1.        Be real with yourself about what you want.  If you don’t know what you want, how will your spouse ever be able to figure it out?  Playing mind games by expecting him or her to always know what you are thinking and wanting will only lead to disappointment and frustration.  If you want something, go after it.  If it is something that you desire from your spouse, ask for it directly.  Stop the games.  Don’t set them up for failure. 

2.       Be receptive.  If you want your spouse to be open and honest with you, you have to be willing to receive it.  Don’t argue and get defensive.  You may have to take it on the chin and it may hurt, but it’s worth it in the long run.  We all have faults and ignoring them does not make them go away.  If you can’t take it, your spouse most likely won’t be willing to tell you.

3.       Admit it when you are wrong.  So we all screw up and hurt others.  When you realize you have been wrong in the way you treated your spouse, don’t sweep it under the rug.  The pain can linger.  The best thing you can do is become vulnerable and tell them that you were wrong and ask for forgiveness.  Be prepared to deal with the fallout and willing to move on past it.

4.       Validate your spouse’s feelings.  If your spouse feels that you do not understand or care about their feelings, they will shut down emotionally with you.  Even if you disagree with the situation, their feelings are real for them.  Listen, show compassion, and when the time is right you will have your turn.  They certainly will not show love and compassion to you if you don’t show it to them.

5.       Seek out your spouse.  Selfishness is destructive to relationships, but most of us have a heavy dose of selfishness that stands in the way of our relationships.  We want what we want, when we want it.  One of the best ways of developing trust with your spouse is to draw them out.  Ask what they want and do it!  If you ask what they want for dinner, don’t argue with their answer.  Put yourself aside for a while to please your spouse and you will be pleased with the outcome.  If it is unnatural in your relationship, it may take a while before the guard comes down.  However, if your spouse believes you are being genuine it can relight the flame of desire in your relationship.

Marriage is hard work.  There is no doubt about it.  But it is worth it.  When each day brings new levels of intimacy and trust, it is worth it.  When you realize that you can count on your spouse to care about your daily needs, it is worth it.  When you realize that you are building a lifetime of memories and experiences together, it is worth it.  When you are setting an example of commitment and responsibility for your children, it is worth it!

Putting a Stop to Stealing

Stealing seems to be a common problem I face in counseling.  Many kids struggle with the urge to take things that do not belong to them and I have found few resources online that address this issue.  It seems that there are many reasons that children steal, some who simply want what they do not have and others seem to be trying to fill a deep need.

Today I created a new game to help children identify their motivation to steal, identify alternative ways to have their needs met, to develop a plan of action when tempted, and to have empathy for others.  I also included thankfulness to help children remember how much they already have.  Through combating irrational thoughts and identifying emotional drives, children can overcome the urge to steal.  

You can find the game on my website www.pathwaystopeacecounseling.com or in my Teachers Pay Teachers shop.
Also look for this game and our other resources on Ebay and Amazon.

The Trail of Fears

 

There's no better time than October to address fears and anxiety with children.  They are surrounded by monsters, ghosts, and triggers to fears.  For some children this is a fun and enjoyable time of year.  For others, it is full of fear and anxiety.  Children often struggle to separate fantasy from reality and anticipate the villains from movies to appear in their rooms at night.

This game incorporates CBT to help children challenge irrational thoughts and to learn coping skills to overcome anxiety.  I always love to play games in sessions, as children will answer questions asked by a game that they would hesitate to answer if I asked it directly.  And it is fun!

You can find it at my website, www.pathwaystopeacecounseling.com or my Teachers Pay Teachers store: http://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Store/Pathways-To-Peace-Counseling-Resources
You can also find our games on Amazon and Ebay

How to "POP" negative thoughts.

It's October and the weather has been beautiful!  One nice days I find myself looking for reasons to take kids outside to enjoy the day and break out of the monotony of everyday life.  This week I brought a bubble blower and told my clients to imagine that the bubbles were negative thoughts.  They had a great time "popping" negative thoughts and ridding themselves from upsetting feelings.

After a few minutes of popping bubbles, we sat down and made some cards with various thoughts.  We wrote things like:

• "I can't do anything right." 
• "I don't have any friends."
• "I am great at math." 
• "I'm going to fail my spelling test."
• "I am able to do great things if I try."

I encouraged the children to come up with new ideas to put on the cards.  Some children really struggled with this and others were writing down ideas faster that I could!  For those who struggled, I took some extra time to help them grasp the concepts.

I made one index card that said "Keep" and one that said "Pop."  I had the kids sort through the stack of cards into the two piles.  Once they were sorted, we worked on changing the "pop" stack into healthy self-talk.   They were able to identify that the best way to get rid of negative thoughts is to fill their minds with positive thoughts.  I also had the kids process how they would feel thinking the various thoughts and how the positive thoughts change their mood.

I love activities like this because children will forget the things I tell them, but when they see bubbles, they will remember to pop negative thoughts!  I want to them to always have triggers to carry with them to help them to remember to use the coping skills they have learned in counseling.  I hope this intervention works in your practice as well!

Cognitive Distortions

I am super excited to introduce you to this game.  I created it about 6 months ago and have been playing it with clients since then.  I originally created it for my own use, but figured since I put in the work, I might as well share it with others. The reason I created this game is because there are very few CBT games available.  Those that are available come with a hefty price tag!  My goal is to help clinicians get resources without breaking the bank.  Take a look and let me know what you think!  I value your input.


This game highlights seven different cognitive distortions: global labels, blaming, mind-reading, magnifying, filtering, controlling, and catastrophizing.  There are 2 sheets of game cards (24 cards) for each of the 7 cognitive distortions.  3 cards are purposely left blank so that you have the opportunity to customize the game with some of your own questions.

Cut lines are printed on the cards.  It is recommended that you laminate the game cards and game board before using them so that they will be more durable.

The game comes with 6 pawns and 1 die.  It also includes instructions.  To play, you begin at the center of the board and follow the trail to the top left corner of the board.  Each symbol on the board represents a cognitive distortion and will have cards with a matching symbol.  The player draws a card with the corresponding symbol to the space they land on.   The first player to reach the end wins.

Please keep in mind that this is a process oriented game.  There may be questions that trigger an emotional response from your client.  Please feel free to take your time and allow children to ask questions and discuss times that they experienced these cognitive distortions.  The goal is for them to learn and to correct negative thinking.

Are you interested in purchasing the game?  No printing required...just purchase it online and I will ship it to you. Visit my store at www.pathwaystopeacecounseling.com for either a digital download or a hard copy.
It is also available on Teachers Pay Teachers. http://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Cognitive-Distortions-1500410

Please keep checking back.  I have more games in the works.  I have 1 for elementary aged children that is also cognitive behavioral, but in simpler terms. I also have one that I use for children that have been adopted or are in foster care.  It addresses abandonment issues.