Life is full of transitions and changes. Some are good and inviting and others are
full of pain and grief. These
transitions could be due to failure on our part, such as loss of relationships,
loss of jobs, or alienation. Transitions
can also be a positive thing, such as graduations, new relationships,
promotions, or moving to a new home or community. Even if we stay in the same situation for
most of our lives there are still natural transitions that happen like growing
older, our children moving from babies to preschoolers, on and on until we
become empty nesters.
With each life transition you arrive at your destination
with a piece of emotional baggage.
Imagine that for each life transition you had one emotional suitcase
stored away in your emotional storage center.
This suitcase if full of memories – good and bad. It is full of identities, emotional ties to
others, beliefs about yourself and others.
It has contributed to your sense of self. Let’s consider an example:
Sally and George are high school
sweethearts. They were both involved in
sports in high school, came from the same small town, and grew up
together. They were both considered in
the “in” crowd at school and felt they were good for each other socially. Sally had a troubled home life and George
made her feel safe and secure. George on
the other hand came from a stable and supportive home. He enjoyed feeling needed by Sally but
sometimes felt overwhelmed by her emotional needs. After high school George left home to go to
college in another state while Sally stayed behind. Their breakup was difficult for both, but
George had a good support system and dreams that propelled him forward.
George later graduates with a
business degree and finds himself struggling to get his foot in the door in his
field. Although he was the big man on
campus in high school, he now feels like a fish out of water. He always felt needed and in control back
home but now he is in a field flooded with college graduates and feels he must
prove himself. If he hasn’t unpacked the
suitcases of transition, he may feel that he doesn’t fit in, that he isn’t
needed, and that he doesn’t belong. His
prior identity was being good at sports, being under the loving care of his
parents, and being vitally needed by Sally.
How would George go about
unpacking the suitcases? Basically, he
needs to “try on” the ideas, identities from the past, and the memories to see
if they still fit. For example, if his identity
was being the best kicker for the football team and he no longer plays
football, the identity is not a misfit.
He must find his identity in something new. If his emotional well-being came from being
needed by Sally, having Sally now absent from his life would cause an emotional
vacuum. How would George know what needs
to be unpacked? When emotional pain
comes, or when questions of identity rise to the surface, he has the
opportunity to push away the thoughts (as they are uncomfortable) or he can
push through them and sort out how he now feels about his life.
What is the danger of not
unpacking these suitcases? They lead to
confusion, false identities, and emotional attachments that are no longer
productive in his life. For example, he
may come to the realization that his relationship with Sally was not healthy,
but rather than evaluate the co-dependent nature of the relationship he shrugs it
off and moves on. He later falls in love
with a new woman who is quite independent.
Since George was raised in a healthy home environment he is not
intimidated by Sue’s confidence, but is attracted to it. George and Sue fall in love and later get
married. George recognizes that Sue and
Sally are very different in their emotional needs, desires from the
relationship, and the way they make him feel about himself. If he has unpacked the emotional suitcase
from his relationship with Sally, George is able to go into the relationship with
Sue with a clear head. Otherwise, he
will find himself comparing Sue to Sally. Sally had a way of making George feel
important, needed, and powerful. If
George is having a relationship problem with Sue and he remembers how he felt
needed by Sally, it could cause a stir in him.
If George suddenly gets a friend request from Sally on Facebook, his
relationship with Sue could be compromised.
However, if he had unpacked the suitcase of his relationship with Sally
he would recognize that the co-dependent nature of their relationship was
shallow, unhealthy, and not the kind of relationship he wanted long term. This thought process allows himself to sever
the emotional ties that bound him to Sally.
If he were to go back home to visit the family and ran into Sally, he
will not be faced with an emotional barrage, but will be able to keep a healthy
distance.
In the cognitive behavior psychology world we talk a lot
about how thoughts impact emotions and behaviors. Behind every emotion and behavior there is a
belief or a thought driving them. Many
people move from transition to transition without ever unpacking the suitcases
from the past. They are left with
identity confusion, emotional ties to people they no longer are in relationship
with, and often have difficulty functioning in new relationships. This “maladaptive”
thinking causes all sorts of problems.
They may feel that they can never measure up in life due to their
identity being wrapped up in the past.
They may experience long term grief over the loss of relationships or life
phases. For example, a mother could have
a very difficult time adapting to being an empty nester if her identity was
centered on being mom. Or a middle aged
man may continue to function according to the unrealistic expectations set by a
critical mother when he was a child.
From a biblical perspective, this is considered renewing
your mind. Believers must sort through
our thoughts regularly to make sure they are in line with the Word of God. When a person receives Christ they are
automatically a new creation in the spirit realm. However, all their thoughts and emotions
remain the same until they evaluate their thoughts and “try on” their beliefs,
values, and memories to see if they still fit.
If a belief doesn’t fit anymore, it doesn’t mean that it is erased from
your memory, but it no longer has a pull on you.
The process sounds simple but it can be hard to navigate and
implement regularly. When confusion or emotional pain from the past comes, take
the time to think it through. Ask
yourself these questions:
“When
did I first start to feel this way?”
“Is
this thought true? Is it helpful? Does
it still apply today?”
“Do I
have an unhealthy emotional attachment to this person/situation/place?”
“If I
could go back and talk to myself back then, I would say….”
Freeing yourself from emotional burdens of the past can be a hard and emotional process, but the freedom that comes makes it worth it.
Photo Credit: Photo by Mantas Hesthaven from Pexels https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-pulling-luggage-walking-near-gray-concrete-road-during-sunset-171053/
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