The early
years of marriage can be so exciting! You
are on a new adventure with your spouse, learning each other, devoting your time
to one another. The first year is full
of new experiences and goals as you set out to create traditions for your new
family. Your extended family is generally
patient during the first year as you learn to make room for both sides of the
family. You are still on the high of new love and the little irritations do not
yet get under your skin.
As time
passes by the high of new love starts to fade and the reality of life sets
in. Responsibilities steal your time for
romance. The toll of balancing work, friendships, family relationships, and children
puts a strain on every relationship. Eventually you find yourself in a
slump. You realize that the person who once
made your heart flutter now makes you feel sick to your stomach. The irritating habits stand out and grate on
your nerves. You recognize that there is
nothing new to the conversations you have with your spouse. There are no new stories, nothing new to
discover. Things start feeling dull. When
you realize that the love you once felt has dwindled and you are not longer
satisfied with your marriage. What do
you do? Is it time for divorce?
Feelings
of dissatisfaction in your marriage can be scary. Most people fear staying in the marriage and
feeling this dissatisfaction for the rest of their lives. I believe this situation often prompts
divorce. I want to encourage you to hang
on a while. Life is a roller coaster. It
is full of ups and downs which will leave you in a tailspin. It is normal to experience periods of
dissatisfaction in your marriage. It is
not cause for concern, but a call to action.
It can change, but it requires work.
One reason
the marriage drifts into a slump is when the couple is distracted and do not
make time for each other. This could include
having children who require constant care, a demanding job, or too many
hobbies. It could be anything. If there is not a deliberate decision to make
time for the marriage, the marriage will suffer. It can take a while for the emotional toll to
hit, but it will come if the marriage is neglected.
Another
reason the marriage can hit a slump is due to disagreements on how to live
life. Are you and your spouse at odds
about how to spend/save money? Do you
have a difference of opinion on religion, politics, or parenting styles? These need issues definitely need to be addressed
to find common ground. It is possible, but it takes work!
The main
point it would like to make is that emotions cannot be trusted. You may feel
angry, rejected, and alone. You may feel
like your spouse is your enemy and that the relationship is beyond hope. I encourage you to hang in there. Emotions can change almost instantly. Be willing to devote some time into
addressing the problems and see what happens.
Life has a normal ebb and flow, many ups and downs. Marriage is no different. So you’ve hit a slump, it’s OK.
Couples
who persevere past the slump realize that their relationship has become
stronger. They develop a deeper sense of
trust. Rather than the thrill of new discovery that you felt early in the
relationship, the deep knowing of your spouse becomes a comfort. Instead of talking about past stories and learning
about each other like you did early in the relationship, you recognize that all
the stories are now about your life together. You start to find comfort in the
predictable nature of your relationship because you know you can depend on your
spouse to always be there. Even sex becomes better with time because fear is
gone. Over time you no longer worry about your insecurities because everything
in the relationship has been exposed.
There are
steps you can take to renew the love and passion in your relationship. Here are some things to try:
- Make consistent time to spend with your spouse. I would recommend no less than 30 minutes per day without distraction so you can talk.
- Go on a date at least once per week. If you have young children or are tight on finances you may have to be creative, but you can make it work!
- Get physical. Skin on skin contact will cause your body to release oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Without it, you will continue to feel emotionally separated from your spouse.
- Make a plan to address different values. Most premarital workbooks will include how to discuss finances, communication, work/life balance, parenting, etc. If that is not enough, consider seeing a marriage therapist.
- Readdress expectations of one another. When a couple first marries, they will usually figure out how to divide responsibilities. As time goes on roles change which leads to a need to readdress expectations. The addition of children makes this a frequent necessity. As the children grow they can start to take on some of the responsibilities.
- Seek counsel from an older, trusted couple. Find a couple that you respect and admire and ask for their help. They will be able to impart wisdom and encouragement. I’m sure they will also testify to ups and downs in the marriage and to hold on for the ride!
