I know I may ruffle some feathers by recommending telling
your children yes to avoid power struggles.
Am I crazy? Maybe. Here’s the deal. Parents often give children “No” as a pat
answer without really thinking through the situation, considering the feelings
the children, or giving the kids a chance to problem solve. We can avoid major power struggles by
changing our answer to “Yes.”
1.
Are you saying “No” to rescue your child?
“Can I sleep in a tent in the
backyard tonight?” “No, you’ll get scared.”
Have you ever had a situation like this?
Sometimes we feel like we are rescuing them from a scary situation by
saying no. The problem with this
situation is that the child is not learning much and the parent becomes the
party pooper who won’t allow any fun.
An alternative answer would be something
like “How about we try it on a Friday night so that you don’t have to wake up
early. Bedtime is at 9:00. If you are asleep by 9:30 you can stay out
there. If not, you get to come in and
sleep in your room. Chances are if your
child gets scared out there, 30 minutes is plenty of time for them to come
running. The point is, if you are afraid
to let them try something because they will get scared, allow them the chance
and they will make the decision to draw towards safety without you forcing them
to do it. Power struggle averted!
2.
Are you
saying “No” because you can’t afford it?
“Can we go to Disney World? My friends got to go, and I want to go!” You know your budget and you know it’s not
likely to happen. What do you say? Here are 2 options:
“No, honey, we can’t afford
it. Sorry.” This is an honest, straight
forward answer, but hard to swallow for a child. The child walks away disappointed and feeling
like they can’t do anything to change the situation.
As an alternative, try: “I would
love to go to Disney World. It would be
an amazing vacation! Here’s the
problem. It would cost $3000 for our
family to go. Our vacation budget is
$500. Any suggestions on how to make it
work?”
This scenario doesn’t say yes, but
it certainly doesn’t say no. The child has
the opportunity to understand why you can’t immediately say yes and is in the
position of problem solving. He may say
that he will do extra chores to earn the $2500 needed to go. After 5 weeks and only making $25, he may
have a new found respect for the value of a dollar and give up the dream. On the other hand, he may surprise you by
putting together a 5 year plan and may come up with some entrepreneurial skills!
3.
Are you saying “No” because his or her behavior
is a problem?
“Mom, can Sam come over to play
after school?” The question sparks vivid memories of children running around
like wild hogs destroying your home. You may be thinking “I’m never going
through that again!” You have an
opportunity to allow your child to learn to monitor their behavior and set
limits with their friends. This could be
a good life skill.
Try this: “Last time Sam came over
you made some bad choices and our house was a mess! I’m willing to give you another chance, but
here are the rules. If the rules are
broken, Sam will be loaded into the car and quickly delivered home. Do you agree to my terms?” I would also include something along the
lines of you are responsible for cleaning up the messes that your friends
make. Do you still want to have them
over?
Are you catching the leverage you
have by saying yes? Sure you can have
the ice cream, after you eat your meat loaf.
You are welcome to play outside with the neighbor kids just as soon as
your homework is done. You bet you can
watch your favorite show as soon as your room is clean. When your child hears yes, they feel
hope. When they hear no, they feel
angry!
4.
Are you saying “No” because of time constraints?
“Mom, can I play football this
year?” You know that he will have to
practice after school at least 3 days a week, which conflicts with your work
schedule. No sounds like a logical
answer. But simply stating no does not
give him the chance to use his problem solving skills or to own the
situation. One basic principle in
successful parenting is allowing your children to own their problems and you
own your problems. If you are willing to
allow him to solve his problems and come up with solid solutions, he will learn
to overcome obstacles in life and will become a more productive adult.
How about this: “Sure you can play
football. How are you going to get to
practice?” He may already have some
ideas. He may choose to ride his bike,
catch a ride with a neighbor, or walk.
He may realize that the schedule is too much of a problem and decide for
himself that it won’t work. The goal is
to allow him to figure it out.
Am I saying that you should always say yes and never say
no? Absolutely not. There are times for no. However, when you say “No” as a pat answer
and your children are hearing it all the time, they will get frustrated and
want to challenge you at some point. Children
need to learn the consequences for their choices while they are young and the
ramifications for those decisions are small.
Saying yes, even when you know your child will fail, will allow them to
work through feelings of disappointment, frustration, and failure while you are
still there to help them through. If
they aren’t allowed to make these choices until they are adults, the
consequences will be much more severe.
